My mantra: self-care is a good thing!

selfcareisagoodthingselfcareisagoodthingselfcareisagoodthing...

I don't know if I've mentioned it in a previous post (and frankly, right now after my evening cup of Sleepytime tea, I'm too lazy to care), but I dropped a class. Yes, that's right...I am only taking nine credits. Instead of dropping a job, I cut back academically. My rationale for picking the class over the job:

1) I need money. Well, not need, need, but I want to start to save some more so that when Ben and I start our life together, we will have some additional financial backing.

2) I'm ahead of the game when it comes to credits. With 33 already under my belt, I can afford to take only 9 this semester and still be on track to graduate "in time" (i.e., within their idea that the MDiv program takes three years to complete). When you factor in that C.P.E. will be an additional six credits that will happen over the summer, I'm in goooooood shape. (Note to self, start C.P.E. application! All you who read this, harrass me about it, ok?)

The real reason I cut back is due to some serious self-care issues. Something inside of me almost died when I was talking with some people (who shall remain nameless) and upon mentioning how every last moment of my day was scheduled and busy, they said that it was good, and how it should be. Time for self-care and self-nurture is very much a foreign concept, one that I started to learn senior year of college and one that I need to continue learning. I will not be able to be an effective minister if I don't intentionally carve out some time for me.

Secondly, I almost started crying during the mandatory Monday Supervised Ministry meeting when Dean Samuel was talking about the busy life of a seminarian. So: I totaled up all my hours as follows (with 4 classes) upon the general rule of thumb that a for every credit you take, you spend about 3 hours doing work outside of class. Here we go.

Supervised Ministry/Other Jobs - 30 hours max
Time in-class - 12 hours-ish
Work outside of class - 36 hours
Time sleeping (8 hours per night) - 56
Sabbath - 16 hours

This leaves 18 out of 168 hours in a week in which to eat, shower, run errands, have personal devotional time, plan a wedding, and attempt to stay sane. There is little for meaningful relationships of any kind (and I don't think Ben would take kindly to that one) and that more than anything really hurts me, since I wanted this year to be more about forming relationships with people. Sure, I have friends that I hang out with from time to time, but it's rare. And I feel so isolated here in my apartment that aside from my roommates, the only person I see consistently is Ben. I love Ben, but I enjoy spending time with more people too.

There is also no time for me to take a step back and cultivate other areas of my life (such as my more creative side). I'm not a brilliant photographer by any means, but I enjoy going outside and taking pictures of nature or other things that strike my interest. I like cross-stitching. I want to finish the banner I started for a class over January.

I also need time for exercise. No excuse here. If I want to lose weight, I just have to do it. Period.

I've also been overwhelmed lately by other issues in my life (the car is finally fixed, by the way, which eliminates one area of stress) that I'm seriously an emotional wreck. Ask Ben. I'll be reading one moment and the next I'll be crying. Mucho repressed anger has been seeping its way out of my body (thank you to Douglas VW who I deem the catalyst of such a reaction) and while most of the time I'm Ok, there are moments I want to kill the next living thing that moves near me. (I never thought I might need anger management...I'm really not an angry person, I swear!)

I'm sick of living in the space which I have been kept hostage (largely by my own psyche, but my psyche has very good reasons for keeping me in my bedroom, and for the most part, I agree with them). I need some separation in my life (not eating in my bedroom would be a good start to that...and probably so would getting the television out of my bedroom), but I can't because there's no way to do it. I work, eat, sleep - live in this one little bedroom. How did I ever pull it off in college? Please, someone, let me know, because it's not working for me now!

Anyhow, I planned on sharing some pearls of wisdom that I gathered in my Pastoral Care and Counseling class, as well as some severe criticisms of the way They want us to do theological reflection. I also wanted to reflect more on why self-care in general is a good thing, but I'm done for now. Perhaps I'll ruminate more in a later post.

selfcareisagoodthingselfcareisagoodthingselfcareisagoodthingselfcareisagoodthing...

New Userpic

I love this userpic. I might even have to use it on this site, I love it so much. You can find it over at my livejournal. It's on the first entry there, and it's totally awesome.

Again, I am betraying my dorkishness. :-)

My struggle with technology, old and new

First of all -- thank you to everyone for the well wishes in my new position! Tomorrow, I get to preach my first children's sermon!!

There were two battles raging this past week; one against my car and the other against my computer, both waged by proxy with the institutions that were supposed to be servicing each. One was a victory, while one was a lost.

The victory first: Dell finally consented that yes, something was wrong with my motherboard and yes, they will send a technician over. This technician came over on Thursday (after we played phone tag for a bit) and replaced the motherboard. And....I have no more internet connection issues! Quel shock. I can now put the ethernet cable in and the computer recognizes that a cable is there each and every time. Yay!

The loss: the car. I don't know how long I want to draw this out, but it started last Thursday, when I was supposed to go up to meet with my pastor to talk with him about what I would be doing on my first Sunday. I didn't get two miles before the check engine light came on and I had to drop it off at the dealership a few towns away. Since my car was undriveable (for the most part), a fellow seminary friend drove me to church that Sunday (for which I will be forever grateful!). I took the car in this past Monday...waited three hours...and found out that in addition to the check engine light stuff, I had $3500 of work to do on it. Including the brakes and the radiator. I took it to Midas to do the brakes (because they were cheaper and they do a better job), and then dropped the car of on Thursday to do selected items like the check engine light stuff and the CV boot (it's cheaper to do the radiator stuff in Maine).

I picked the car up on Friday and.....the alignment is OMGsh bad. Not slightly bad. But "steering-wheel-at-thirty-degrees-below-vertical-to-go-straight" bad. I called them from the road (which is illegal in New Jersey, but oh well) and told them it was their fault, and they said there was nothing they could do; the place was already closed for service and on Saturday they didn't have anybody in who could do it. The guy couldn't even figure out why I would have any alignment problems. Grr. So I called my parents, and got in touch with them this morning about how to proceed. I called the dealership back because I feel very unsafe driving this car and didn't want to spend an hour-and-a-half on the road getting to church and back tomorrow. I couldn't get a loaner because the company they use closed at 12 (I was calling, no joke, at 12:03), and their other loaner cars hadn't returned yet. I asked if there was another company they could refer me to to get a rental, and the guy said he didn't have the authorization to do that.

After much angst and calling the parents and venting to Ben and Ben calling his parents, we decided to go to the dealership prepared to leave the car there, ask for a manager who could authorize a rental from another company and if they wouldn't, to ask for the number of their district managing office to register a complaint. We drove to the place (in separate cars), and I got there without any incident.

However, I think it's a state law or something that in New Jersey, no driveway can be at the same level as the road. I swear it's illegal or something. So I was making a left turn into the dealership on one of these lousy raised driveways with a bumb, and something on the front end of my car drops and starts scraping up against the road. I mean, loud screechy scraping. Definitely unsafe to drive. By this point, I was enraged. Very, very enraged. I pulled into a parking spot, shut the door of the car, and started swearing that they better fix the car. I was mad. I pretty much stormed into the office (which was open still, thank goodness), and when the guy asked me how I was, I said "not good" in a tone that implied that he wasn't going to be feeling very good either if I didn't get some service. To make a long story short, one of their loaner cars had come in and I was able to get it. Ben said the expression on the guy's face was one of "please let the loaner car be in" because the guy knew that I was ready to make his life miserable if it wasn't.

So, the car is at the dealership again, and they better gosh darn fix it for free, else I'm going to register a complaint with the Better Business Bureau. What an awful way to spend my Sabbath day. But it's over, and I have transportation so I can get to church tomorrow. And right now, that's all I really care about.

Day One

I stood at the lectern on Sunday morning, looking out at the faces of my new congregation. Mostly strangers stared back at me – strangers that would come to know me first as a student pastor before anything else. I took a deep breath and said, “Good morning and welcome. My name is Melissa Yosua, and I will be serving as your new student pastor. I am a second year Masters of Divinity Student at Drew University, and I am looking forward to working with you during my time here.” Pause. “Let us rise and join together in the Call to Worship, found in your bulletin.” And we were off.

I knew from the second I stood up there that this time reading as a lay liturgist would be completely different from any other time I have ever served as such. Sure, I had read scripture and been the lay leader many times over the course of my lifetime. Yet this time, something was profoundly different. As soon as the words “student pastor” escaped my lips, I was no longer “just another lay person.” I entered into that amorphous phase of “not laity, but not yet clergy” – just like a teenager who is not a child anymore, but not yet an adult.

I see my time with them as such – a gangly and awkward teenage-type pastor, struggling to find her footing and herself in the great, big world of ministry. I imagine there will be growing pains, times that I will struggle for independence, and times that I will need to be “grounded,” so to speak – sent back to my room for reflection, contemplation, and a rerooting myself in the familiar. There will be times when I can’t wait to fly, full and confident, and situations where I will revert to a shy and insecure pastor-in-training, unsure yet wanting to try.

This past Sunday marked a significant shift in the way others perceive me, and in the way I perceive myself. I am in a new phase of life, new phase of ministry, and a new phase of the calling that God has placed upon my soul. I became “the Student Assistant Pastor” (lovingly called, the “sap”), and I am blessed to be with a congregation and a pastor who is as excited about the journey as I am. I am excited, scared, fascinated, thrilled, and nervous about the process, but together we will learn and grow into the people that God has called us to be.

Seminary Choir

I joined the seminary choir this semester. I'm not taking it for credit; I feel like that won't allow me to skip out on a week or two should I need to take some time off. I certainly plan on being there every chance I get, however!

We rehearse after chapel on Wednesdays and Thursdays in the chapel itself. We were learning this gospel song that Mark had written, and there was this one part with some neat harmonies so Mark decided to bring us outside of the chapel too the very resonant lobby on the second floor. We all nailed our parts and it sounded fantastic...except for when one irate undergraduate student (an older gentleman) came out of the classroom and yelled at us. "We can't hear the professor! The professor can't even think! There is a class going on in there, don't you know any better?" Mark, being Mark, poked his head in afterwards to apologize, and in typical fashion said, "If any of you want to join the choir..." I guess Mark didn't realize that Seminary Hall, now that it is fully accessible, can be used by the college for classes and there are a lot more undergrads floating around the building than there were before. I don't think any of the students (aside from the one and the professor) took it badly -- most of them were laughing away.

Still, it was rather funny as we meekly turned around and marched ourselves back to the chapel.

Going Retro!

I totally want this.

In other news, my fight with Dell Tech Support is nearly over...I finally got them to the point where the said, "yeah, it might be a loose connection to the motherboard" (which is what I had been saying all along), after two separate conversations totaling two and a half hours and three people (I finally said after the woman told me that it wasn't in her jurisdiction to dispatch a technician...which is in my warranty service...because it "wasn't a hardware issue" and I told her I wanted to speak to someone who does have that authority).

Oy....today I work from 9 - 11, have chapel and rehearsal until 1:15, class from 1:15 - 3:45, run to the post office to mail some books I sold, and then meet my pastor at 5.

I need to cut something out of my life. I can't survive like this all semester long...

Orientation

One week ago today, a team of 14 hardened Drew Theological School veterans, the school's deans, and other Drew administrative staff effectively (or so we hope) oriented about 70 new students to the Theological School. All in all, orientation went smoothly, and I loved meeting all of the first-year students, including Kristen, who I met first in cyberspace via the RevGalBlogPal blog ring! I had delightful conversations with so many people. I love hearing their stories, and what brought them to Drew. We have students who have served in the Marine Corps, work as a wedding photographer, love dogs so much they want to start a petition to allow them in student housing, come from teeny tiny towns in the Midwest...you name it, we've got it! This class is wonderfully diverse - ethnically, age-wise, geographically -- it's great!

Most of the hang-ups around orientation were due to events beyond our control. For example, the #2 reason I hate Drew (their Facilities department) took 7 or 8 hours to plunge all three men's toilets in Seminary Hall. For a better part of the day, the men had to go elsewhere to use the toilet because ours was all clogged, and Facilities was apparently too incompetent to handle the job. (Additionally, as we were moving students into their housing at Drew, one woman opened her door to find that Facilities was using her room as a storage area and had three beds, four desks, etc....and they hadn't cleaned it out in time for her arrival, and one student we greeted found out that he didn't have a bed yet in his room. Welcome to Drew!)

Some people giving presentations decided not to show up, like Telecom, who decided they were too busy to take 15 minutes out of their schedule - 15 minutes that they had known about for several weeks - to talk to the students living on campus about their phone service. Basically, they just created a whole heck of a lot more work for themselves because now everyone is going to be talking to them one-on-one to have all their questions answered.

Some presentations were just awful, and there was nothing redeeming about them. I will not mention which ones here; those at orientation know which presentation(s) I'm referencing.

Apparently, the administration raved about how well things went, and about how well the first-years took to heart a lot of the presentations the deans and faculty made about such topics as community and the importance of critical thinking in religious study. I'm really looking forward to getting to know them more - both in and outside of the classroom setting!

Very Late RGBL Friday Five

1. What is your earliest memory of school? I remember one day in pre-school we were learning to distinguish left from right. I got very, very confused, because I realized that the position of right and left was dependent upon your perspective. Right and Left for the teacher, who was talking facing us, was different from our right and left.

2. Who was a favorite teacher in your early education? Mr. DeMille, who visited my house before school started because he heard I had the chicken pox and was unable to attend the First Grade "Meet and Greet the Teacher" (or something like that). He also wrote each of us personal weekly letters (some of which I still have). He helped me conquer my fear of fire drills. And he played the guitar. He was way cool.

3. What do you remember about school “back then” that is different from what you know about schools now? In elementary school, we never ever had homework. Now I'm seeing Kindergarteners bring home worksheets to complete. We never had to do this until third or fourth grade!

4. Did you have to memorize in school? If so, share a poem or song you learned. I learned a bit of Hiawatha by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in fifth grade, but I have long since forgotten anything beyond "By the banks of Gitchigumi, by the shining Lake-Sea water...". I also had to learn "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely, and more temperate..." in 9th grade.

5. Did you ever get in trouble at school? Were there any embarrassing moments you can share? Nothing that I can remember...perhaps I've blocked all the bad memories out! The one time I did get detention, however, was in sixth grade when my teacher forgot that my family had been on vacation and so I couldn't complete an assignment on time... or something like that. Oh...yeah, and in fourth grade I passed off a fake note from my parents instead of telling the teacher I didn't finish the assignment. That didn't go over well. I think that's the most embarassing thing that I still get ashamed about to this day.

Reason #27 I hate the administrative side of Drew

27. Groundskeeping has not touched a single blade of grass by my apartment building, which is on campus next to the famed Shakespere Theatre, all summer long. Yet they decide that this morning from 6 AM to 6:30 AM is the perfect time to mow, leaf-blow, and weed-whack. Right outside my apartment window. Thank you, groundskeeping, for making me a walking zombie today.

Edit: Upon examining their handiwork as I exited the building at oh-so-early in the morning, the grass still looks like a 2 year-old had been playing with scissors.

I'm alive...

Ok. Still alive, back from retreating this weekend. But things are crazy with orientation, so I'll outline posts to come:

• A (very) delayed RevGalBlogPal Friday Five about Back-to-School
• Simple thoughts from my retreat
• A reflection on community
• Great, positive, awesome orientation experiences. (I love these first-years; they are so awesome!!!!)

Catch you all once I start breathing again,

Melissa :-)

Thoughts on Redrawing the Cube

The other day, I was reading an article from July 17th's edition of TIME magazine. This is uncommon for me, even though I enjoy reading magazines, because on a limited seminarian's budget, subscriptions are hard to come by. But I get magazines wherever I can, whether it's getting The Atlantic Monthly from my parents, or TIME from Ben (who gets it from his parents).

The article, Redrawing the Cube, is about how businesses are planning on reinventing the "time-honored" tradition of the cubicle: redesigning it to fit the needs of modern day workers and current technology. The photo slides at the top of the page show some remarkably creative ways of making something new out of what is otherwise...dreadfully boring. These workspaces are designed for aesthetics, comfort and meeting the needs of the workers. If you can manage it, try to get your hands on a copy to see more pictures of what people are doing. There are even businesses that are creating common areas that are designed much like the interiors of most cafes where workers can grab a cup of coffee while using their laptop or meeting with their coworkers.

Businesses are on the cutting-edge of redesigning their workspaces to meet the needs of their employees. They make use of inviting workspaces in an effort to stay abrest of trends emerging in the larger culture.

Why isn't the church doing the same thing?

One of the things that astounds me is this quote from the beginning of the article: "Employing advanced materials, tomorrow's technology and the fruits of sociological research, designers are fitting the future workplace to workers who are increasingly mobile and global." (Emphasis is mine). There isn't anything super-secret or mind-bogglingly intelligent in the approach that these businesses are taking to reach these solutions. They are going beyond their discipline into sociology to help them figure out what they can do to give the people what they need. There is nothing that prevents the church from following their lead -- looking beyond the theologians and pastors to examine current cultural and sociological trends to help inform us about church...and how we need to change to fit the needs of the people we currently aren't serving.

The businesses understand this. They realize that aesthetics is an important value people hold. These new designs have a definite aesthetic appeal, making them much more pleasant than the old metal and fabric wall. They capture the senses (beyond sight!) and create a different feel than the old box. Churches seem to be a bit behind in getting this piece. Sanctuaries may be beautiful, but that beauty doesn't always engage one holistically like it did before. The current postmodern generation resonates with a different aesthetic -- not necessarily a visual one.

Even though in some way these cubicles are new variations on an old theme, I get the sense that they represent a new way of projecting forward into the future. To a certain extent, no matter how you dress them up, they'll still be cubicles; workspaces emprisoning employees designed to improve productivity. But what's most telling is this: our businesses are doing a new thing. Why aren't our churches?

I think it's deeper than the fact that dead great-aunt Mildred sat in that pew for 70 years, how dare you replace it! And I'm not necessarily talking about redesigning our worship spaces, although that may be a component of the greater package. Businesses are changing to meet the needs of its employees in a very fresh and innovative way. Why can't we change to meet the needs of our communities?

Stray Cat

I just saw a stray cat in the main Drew parking lot. It made me so sad...the cat didn't even get scared off when I pulled into a parking spot near it. It didn't move an inch; it just stared at the me. It seemed to me that this was a cat that was used to being out on the streets. So sad...:-( If I could be sure that it didn't have any diseases or fleas, I would have tried to befriend it and figure out a way I could put some food out for it or something.

I have a soft spot for animals. Ben says that I don't care when people in a movie or on TV get hurt, but when someone does wrong by an animal, I'm ready to cry. Harsh assessment, but it's so true.

A quick update

Another slow day at work, so here are a few tidbits as to what I've been up to!

• Lamenting the horrible 4-0 series vs. the Yankees (though as of right now, the Red Sox have a prayer, it's still 0-0!) Edit: Now it's 1-0 Yanks...we're doomed...
  
• Ben's trying to get an emergent cohort started at Drew, and here is our blog!
• Finished The Shadow Rising -- now onto The Fires of Heaven!
• In case you haven't guessed, no retreat this weekend; it's planned for next weekend. I figured that it might be better to take a weekend off right before Orientation starts, so I can be in a better frame of mind to meet the new Drew Theological School students!
• I've been invited to be a small group leader at Exploration 2006, in Jacksonville, Florida. I'm so excited about this! A chance to help out young people discern God's calling for their lives...I can't wait already.
• Made an excellent zucchini and sour cream dill side-dish last night. I'll post the recipe once I get back to my apartment.
• I have a post in the works about an article I skimmed in a TIME magazine from a few weeks ago about businesses reenvisioning their workspaces and connecting that to our churches being 50 years behind the times.
• I have been trying (unsuccessfully) to get back on the "get healthy, lose weight" bandwagon, espcially since I have a target weight for a target day...but at least I have a year to do it. It would help if the workers stopped being lazy and actually finished the tennis courts they have been working on for a month. I don't think my body can take any more 3-miles in 45 minutes at this point. I need to get my cardiovascular strength up in a more engaging manner than walking outside around multi-million dollar homes.
• Today's been an off day...which isn't fair, especially since I've gotten better about praying every day. :-P And yes. That's me sticking my tongue out at God...which I have no real reason to do...so yes. That's me being immature. :-)
• There's a leak on the second floor right outside the office. The second one this summer. In the same spot as the first one. I called Facilities (who had apparently been called earlier) confirming the fact that yes, it is dripping. A lot. That was about an hour ago. Have they showed up yet? Of course not.

That's all for now. I'll write up my more profound thoughts later on. Right now, I want to put my brain in a jar and read mindless fantasy novels. :-)

Me and Alexander

Yesterday, I felt like Alexander in Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. For those unfamiliar with the book, Alexander has a day in which everything goes wrong, from waking up with gum in his hair to going to bed that night in railroad pajamas. Nothing went right.

I suppose my own, personal Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day started the previous night, where I couldn't for the life of me fall asleep. The minutes rolled by slowly and with each passing moment my insomnia only seemed to gain momentum rather than weaken and melt away. I resorted to booting up my laptop and playing online word games, hoping that some moderate mental activity would speed the process of falling asleep. I managed to get myself drowsy, and what after seemed like an eternity I feel asleep.

Only to wake up again a couple hours later, faced with the same interminable problem of getting some rest.

Enough with the blow-by-blow; I'm sure you get the picture.

I woke the next morning, fumbled my way downstairs where I enjoyed my ritual Morning Cup of Coffee (or 3) at the Davis house. However, I came downstairs only to learn that the windows of the car had been left open all night long and...it had rained last night. Figured, that the car that my dad brought down to exchange would be the car with the nifty feature of being able to control the windows via the car keys, and that in addition to locking the car right before my father left, I also managed to roll down the windows. Smart, Melissa. Real smart.

Additionally, with Ben's allergies, the car needed to be vacuumed, due to the dog hair sprinkled about the interior of the vehicle. But before the car could be vacuumed, the water needed to be sucked out of the seats (because, of course, a wet-dry vac is rather ineffective when it comes to picing up dog hair...or at least that has been my experience). I gave the wet-dry vac a go, and when it looked like that would take forever, I started using towels and hair dryers (thanks Matt!) and de-hairing the areas I could with a normal hand-vac. The job wasn't very thorough, as Ben started getting an allergic reaction about three-quarters of the way back to Drew, but it was passable, especially with copious amounts of anti-allergen Febreze.

I tried to nap before we left for Drew, and that wasn't a successful venture -- at least shutting my eyes for a bit helped. We left around 1:30 or so. I loaded up the CD player with music, loaded up the rest of the car, and we were on our way.

Only to find out that the CD player isn't working. We pulled over to try and fix it, or to at least discover the root of the problem, but no such luck.

I decided that I needed some silence on the trip back.

I eventually gathered myself together, just in time for the AC to break down. I knew that the AC was making some weird noises; the previous evening when my father had pulled into the driveway, it sounded like there was something seriously wrong with the motor. Not the case - just the AC doing weird things, and it only happened when the car was going slowly or idling. Well, we were on the highway, when we started hearing a weird resonance with the motor and thought it might be the AC (which was working rather well at that point). I turned off the AC, and the sound stopped. So that made us feel better, and so I turned the AC back on. The light went on, air started moving -- but it wasn't cold air...and the strange sound didn't come back. I left it on for awhile, and turned it off again but left the vents on. Sure enough, there was no difference in the air temperature. We pulled into a gas station along Rt. 15 in CT only to find that when idling, the strange motor sound had really gone away. So we traveled the last two and a half hours without air conditioning.

We hit traffic. Not fun. We managed to get in around 6:40, so despite everything, we made OK time. I skipped out on the orientation team meeting, after deciding that for my own mental health I needed some time to myself.

I intended this post to be more reflective and instead it turned into a regurgitation of the day in (most) of its gory detail. But getting it out on screen was cathartic, and I'm sure in a month or so I'll look back on it and laugh.

Maybe.

In the meantime, due to stress, feelings of anxiety, being overwhelmed, and very off-center (along with many other pressures), I have decided to retreat this weekend. No cell phone. No computer. No outside distractions. Just me, nature, and God (and perhaps Robert Jordan can come along for the ride as well). I'm hoping to get away to a retreat house run by the convent that one of my classmates is a member of. I think it'll be good for me to get back in balance after all the crap that has happened recently. And because I've been seriously needing this since 2nd semester.

No more TV!

I haven't felt much like writing lately. Between recovering from my sinus infection and a whole slew of other things that have sent my brain into a quagmire, sitting down to write something reasonably intelligent was rather low on the priority list.

But, now I have drugs (hooray for amoxicillin), and I'm quickly going crazy due to all the television I have watched over the past week. I have seen Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban three times already, and right now I have the option of watching it for the 4th time on HBO. Perhaps I'll switch to it later for some background noise.

As much as the TV has been a steadfast companion for the past few days, I've realized also how poisonous it can be. It hasn't been the programming I've been watching, but the commercials.

I'm not used to watching so much television in a week, and I'm definitely not used to being constantly bombarded ads for laptops, clothes, diet supplements, restaurants, candies, cleaning supplies, other shows, home appliances, sales at stores, and new cell phones. Seeing a few of these commercials repeatedly started to affect me, as I thought, Hmmm, that's a cheap price for a laptop - and it's got a funky cover. Neat! or I suppose I could stop by Old Navy to update my "look" or That Olive Garden ad looked great. I didn't want to cook anyway tonight. Perhaps I should order in. All these commercials made me want, made me think I needed something, made me feel the urge to go out and buy something - to somehow improve my existence through whatever I could purchase.

As one who doesn't buy many things, it made me feel rather disgusting. That my mind could be so manipulated by the ads on television...I must say, advertisers do their job remarkably well.

I started thinking about how most people watch a lot of television each week (I think the average is around 5 or 6 hours per day per person), and how a lot of that airtime is devoted solely to get consumers to want, to need, and then to buy. No wonder our culture is so materialistic! We are always made to feel like we need to improve our lives, and that the newest car/product/fashion is the ticket to our happiness. I've never before realized what a powerful force the media is until this week, when I probably watched 8 hours every day. At least.

I think I'm going to declare a no-TV week as a way to purge all of this out of my system (or perhaps a no-TV-show-from-the-cable week, as there might be sports games to watch and there is definitely some Babylon 5 to watch on DVD!).

Anyhow, thanks to everyone who has commented on the engagement post! It's going to take me a bit to catch up on all the blogs that I have missed reading.

Getting to know you... (or, I have lived through 82 of these 158 things)

I'm generally not one for surveys, but I'll do the memes from time to time. I found this one off of a deviantART journal entry, and decided that it might be fun to do since there are those of you out there reading that don't know me very well. So here goes:

1. Put numbers in the boxes instead of x's (example: 1, 2, 3, 4...)
2. Repost as "I have lived through ___ of these 158 things."

[1] I have read a lot of books.
[] I have been on some sort of varsity team.
[] I have run more than 2 miles without stopping.
[2] I have been to Canada.
[3] I have been to Europe.
[4] I have watched cartoons for hours.
[5] I have tripped UP the stairs.
[6] I have fallen down an entire flight of stairs.
[7] I have been snowboarding/skiing.
[8] I have played ping pong.
[9] I swam in the ocean.
[] I have been on a whale watch.
[10] I have seen fireworks.
[11] I have seen a shooting star.
[12] I have seen a meteor shower.
[] I have almost drowned.
[] I have been so embarrassed I wanted to disappear.
[13] I have listened to one CD over and over and over again.
[] I have had stitches.
[] I have had frostbite.
[] I have licked a frozen pole and got stuck there.
[14] I have stayed up 'til 2 doing homework/projects.
[15] I currently have a job.
[16] I have been ice skating.
[17] I have been roller blading.
[18] I have fallen flat on my face.
[19] I have tripped over my own two feet.
[] I have been in a fist fight.
[20] I have played video games for more than 3 hours straight.
[] I have watched the Power Rangers.
[21] I attend Church regularly.
[22] I have played truth or dare.
[23] I have already had my 16th birthday.
[24] I have already had my 17th birthday.
[25] I've called someone stupid.
[26] I've been in a verbal argument.
[27] I've cried in school.
[] I've played basketball on a team.
[] I've played baseball on a team.
[] I've played football on a team.
[] I've played soccer on a team.
[] I've done cheerleading on a team.
[28] I've played softball on a team.
[] I've played volleyball on a team.
[] I've played tennis on a team.
[29] I've been on a track or cross country team.
[30] I've been swimming more than 20 times in my life.
[] I've bungee jumped.
[] I've climbed a rock wall.
[] I've lost more than $20.
[31] I've called myself an idiot.
[32] I've called someone else an idiot.
[33] I've cried myself to sleep.
[34] I've had (or have) pets.
[] I've owned a Spice Girls CD.
[] I've owned a Britney Spears CD.
[] I've owned an *NSYNC CD.
[] I've owned a Backstreet Boys CD.
[] I've mooned someone.
[] I have sworn at someone of authority before.
[35] I've been in the newspaper.
[] I've been on TV.
[] I've been to Hawaii.
[36] I've eaten sushi.
[] I've been on the other side of a waterfall.
[37] I've watched all of the Lord of the Rings movies.
[38] I've watched all the Harry Potter movies.
[] I've watched all of the Rocky movies.
[] I've watched the 3 Stooges.
[] I've watched "Newlyweds" Nick & Jessica.
[39] I've watched Looney Tunes.
[] I've been stuffed into a locker/I have stuffed others into lockers.
[40] I've been called a geek.
[] I've studied hard for a test and got a bad grade.
[41] I've not studied at all for a test and aced it.
[] I've hugged my mom within the past 24 hrs.
[] I've hugged my dad within the past 24 hours.
[] I've met a celebrity/music artist.
[42] I've written poetry.
[] I've been arrested.
[43] I've been attracted to someone much older than me.
[44] I've been tickled till I've cried.
[45] I've tickled someone else until they cried.
[46] I've had/have siblings.
[47] I've been to a rock concert.
[48] I've listened to classical music and enjoyed it.
[49] I've been in a play.
[] I've been picked last in gym class.
[] I've been picked first in gym class.
[50] I've been picked in that middle-range in gym class.
[51] I've cried in front of my friends.
[52] I've read a book longer than 1,000 pages
[53] I've played Halo 2.
[54] I've freaked out over a sports game.
[] I've been to Alaska.
[] I've been to China.
[] I've been to Spain.
[] I've been to Japan.
[55] I've had a fight with someone on AIM.
[] I've had a fight with someone face-to-face.
[56] I've had serious conversations on any IM.
[57] I've forgiven someone who has done something wrong to me.
[58] I've been forgiven.
[59] I've screamed at a scary movie.
[60] I've cried at a chick flick.
[61] I've watched a lot of action movies.
[] I've screamed at the top of my lungs.
[] I've been to a rap concert.
[] I've been to a hip hop concert.
[62] I've lived in more than 2 houses.
[63] I've driven on the highway/been on the highway.
[64] I've driven more than 40 miles in a day/been in a car that went more than 40 miles in a day.
[] I've been in a car accident.
[] I've done drugs. (Note: I did not inhale)
[65] I've been homesick.
[66] I've thrown up.
[] I've puked on someone.
[] I've been horseback riding.
[67] I've filled out more than 10 myspace/LJ surveys.
[] I've spoken my mind in public.
[68] I've proved someone wrong.
[69] I've been proven wrong by someone.
[] I've broken a leg.
[] I've broken an arm/fingers.
[] I've fallen off a swing.
[] I've swung on a swing for more than 30 minutes straight
[70] I've watched Winnie the Pooh movies.
[] I've forgotten my backpack when I've gone to school.
[] I've lost my backpack.
[] I've come close to dying.
[] I've seen someone die.
[71] I've known someone who has died.
[72] I've wanted to be an actor/actress at some point.
[] I've done modeling.
[73] I've forgotten to brush my teeth some mornings.
[74] I've taken something/someone for granted.
[75] I've realized how good my life is.
[76] I've counted my blessings.
[77] I've made fun of a classmate.
[78] I've been asked out by someone and I said no.
[] I've slapped someone in the face.
[] I've been skateboarding.
[] I've been backstabbed by someone I thought was a friend.
[79] I've lied to someone to their face. (Long time ago, and still not proud of it)
[80] I've told a little white lie. (Not proud of that either)
[] I've taken a day off from school just so I don't go insane.
[] I've had an argument with someone about whether cheerleading is a sport or not.
[] I've pushed someone into a pool.
[81] I've been pushed into a pool.
[82] I've been/am in love.

Now it's YOUR turn! Come on, it's not that bad!

Note: After filling it out...I realized that it was pretty lame. But I'm going to post it anyway. Sorry.

*coughs, hacks, sneezes...*

These past couple of days have been miserable ones for me. On Friday, I stayed home from work due to an impending cold (I sounded like death walking), and over the course of the weekend, things steadily progressed downhill until this morning, where I nearly passed out on a trip back from the bathroom. Fortunately, I'm at the stage where I'm spewing phlegm from my lungs, so I should be rid of this bug soon. The funny thing is, my roommate recently got back from a trip to Taizé in France, and she ended up getting sick as well. My apartment should definitely be under quarrantine.

Ben was such a good fiancé and came by every day to wait on me hand and foot. I essentially moved into the common room - brought out my TV, set up the internet hub so that both of us could access the internet simultaneously, and set up three fans for the purpose of keeping the room relatively cool.

The one thing I really appreciate about being sick is being forced to take some time off to relax. I could lie around all day and do nothing and it was perfectly justifiable; I was sick, after all. I was under no obligation to do anything, go anywhere, or see anybody. Pure bliss...except for the hacking and coughing and the not being able to sleep through the night. But such is the price one must pay for a few days of relative vacation.

Revive Us Again - Brief Thoughts

Last week was the "Revive Us Again" music institute sponsored by the continuing education program at Drew University. I was able to attend the last day (as part of Ben's ploy to get me out of the apartment), and I thought the 'Question and Answer' session was worth attending. However, it also alerted me to how many people have misconceptions about the emerging church.

First of all, art, candles, and coffee do not an emerging service make. The emerging church is not about a different style of worship. It is about a different way of being church - a different way of being a Christian community in the world. I think this is the biggest mistake that people make when talking about an emerging church: making church and worship synonymous with each other. Many emerging churches don't even use the language of 'church' because it denotes that hour on Sunday morning where one goes for worship.

Secondly (and this is related to the first), adding creative elements to one's Sunday worship hour doesn't make a service necessarily 'postmodern' in nature. Media, art, and creative rituals may be characteristics that would make a modern service more engaging for people, but fundamentally, it's built upon the same modern principles and functions in the same modern paradigm. Even a shift to using "inclusive" language doesn't make your worship service more postmodern. There are some deeper, philosophical shifts that one needs to make before a service can be truly branded "postmodern."

Now I'm not an expert on the emerging phenomenon by any means; I'm just someone who's interested in the conversation that's happening. But it seems to me that these common myths are ones that are relatively easy to dispell. All one has to do is spend some time on the internet. Sites like emergentvillage, or even googling it will bring up a load of resources one can use.

Currently, I'm reading a book on the emerging church (you can see it on the side). So far, I'm rather impressed by the process they took to create this work. They interviewed 50 emerging church leaders and then identified nine characteristics that collectively, these churches exhibited. I can't remember if any of the churches had all nine, but each church showed at least three of these trends. I'm still in the beginning of the book, but I'll review it once I finish with it. You will all probably be subjected to my thoughts on the subject as I read through it, however.

So I think a little education is necessary on all sides. I think the desire is there to start creatively reaching out it new ways, I just don't think that the willingness is there (yet) to truly start breaking out of our modern boxes.

A little bit of news.

It began as a relatively normal Saturday.

I woke up earlier than usual, because Ben had been an RA/gopher for Drew's "Revive Us Again" music institute and he had encouraged me to sit in on the last day because this conference had been so fantastic. I took his suggestion and attended the closing worship service/closing Q & A session about emerging worship (which I will make a separate post about later this week).

About halfway through the morning, Ben (who was sitting next to me) said, "Oh, shoot! I forgot to copy something for Tanya -- Melissa, I need your keys so I can get into your apartment and use your color printer." Now, to some, this might seem a little far-fetched, if it weren't for the fact that earlier in the week, my printer was pressed into service for the conference because Staples' color copier had broken down and Kinkos' rate was ridiculously expensive. Ben can also admittedly get a little spacey, so this frantic "Oh crap!" moment wasn't anything new either.

I forked over my keys, and he thanked me and asked if I wanted to do lunch because he wasn't sure if he was going to make it back for the rest of the conference (which ended at noon). I said sure, because that's nothing out of the ordinary either. We take most of our meals together anyway, and I had assumed that we'd be doing lunch at my place because (a) to my knowledge, he still hadn't gone grocery shopping for himself and (b) we were already on campus.

The closing worship service ended a bit early, so I called Ben to let him know I was coming over. After all, he did have my keys and so would need to let me in to my apartment building. As I started out the door, Darlene started to talk to me about the fact that she was going to be our new apartment-mate. Since Drake moved out, Beth and I have been using that third bedroom for storage purposes, but next school year Darlene will be living there and using it as a commuter room. So she was asking all sorts of questions about the room; what she needed to bring, what was it furnished with, questions about the bathroom, etc. While she probably would have come to talk to me anyway, little did I know that her minor diversion was a part of some larger scheme.

I called Ben again, apologizing for the fact that I was going to be a little late. As I walked toward the apartment building, I noticed that the door to my section was propped open. While still on the phone, I started reaming out this person who had propped the door open, because we had a huge problem second semester with door propping and our section was assessed a fine for it. I told Ben that I was going to check my mail and then be there at the apartment. I ended the conversation, and decided that my first order of business would be to remove the prop from the door. As I walk toward the door, I look and realize...it's my box of recycling that is holding the door open. Ben was the one propping the door open. I yank out the box and put it in recycling where it belongs, and headed over to the student center to check my mail.

After that, I walked back to the apartment, and called Ben telling him he needed to let me in, and asking him why on earth he would prop the door open. He said something about having easy access and running all over campus and copies. Right. So I'm at the door waiting for him, and down he comes, dressed in a suit and tie. I thought that was somewhat odd (ok, really odd!), but I figured it was something related to the music institute (even though it was over). I started asking him about it, but he just said, "you'll see" as he opened the door to my apartment.

The common room was completely redecorated. 30 tealights in votive candle holders were strewn about the room. The table was pulled out into the middle of the room with a nice white tableclother over it, and the coffetable was pushed back to the wall with a bunch of roses in a vase on top of it. Sheets covered the more unsightly things in the room, and the table was set with nice plate settings, and Norah Jones was on as background music.

I'm getting more than slightly suspicious at this point, but figured that it was a good time to celebrate our one year anniversary (which was yesterday). I couldn't be farther from the truth.

I changed into something a bit nicer, and he sat me down at the table for the first course: caesar salad. During dinner, I'm asking him all sorts of questions, like: When did you find time for this? or Where did you get this? or How'd you find that out? He aptly remarked, "A poet would be utterly swept away by the beauty of it. Only a mathematician or a scientist would ask these sorts of questions." Despite all my questions, I did let him know that I was extremely flattered.

After the salad was done, he pulled out a piece of paper and read me a love poem he had written. He did the same after the fettucine alfredo with chicken and broccoli we had. By this point, I knew what he was going to do.

After the desert course (angel food cake with vanilla ice cream and strawberries), he pulled out his guitar, and I saw him sneak this tiny white box into his pocket. He sat down on the couch nearest me and sang me a song that he had written himself. I nearly broke out into tears it was so sweet. He then got down on one knee...and proposed. And naturally, I said yes. :-)

Needless to say, I was very surprised. We had been talking about getting engaged, and we had said that August would be the best time. So this past weekend, I really hadn't been expecting anything -- it was still July, after all!

We enjoyed the moment...but only for a moment, because he said, "Ok, you have 15 minutes to pack your bags, we have a supper date with my parents at 6!" So I threw a bunch of stuff together for the weekend, he cleared everything away as fast as possible (except for the fact that we had to call public safety to unlock the third bedroom where he had accidentally shut the door after putting all of his stuff in there). We were on the road by 1 PM.

I called my parents with the news while we were on the road, and then we surprised Ben's parents by randomly showing up at the house. We had a co-conspirator in this project; Ben's brother Matt made sure both of his parents were home. They were thrilled; Jan couldn't stop hugging us and crying and jumping up and down. We went out to dinner with them, came back to the house for the night, and on Sunday had breakfast with my parents, announced our engagement at Green St., went out to lunch with the Freys, Olive, Ami, and Ben's family, took a quick nap in Fort Williams, saw my grandmother, introduced Ben to my high school friends and ate supper with them, and then we went back to Ben's parents' place to look at their wedding photos and get a good night's sleep. We came back from this whirlwind tour on Monday, and stopped in to the Dean's Office and the Admissions Office to let people at Drew know. Karen knew, because obviously I was going to be late for work on Monday - but I had a very good excuse.

Last night we sent out an e-mail to our friends and family announcing our engagement. Fitting, that we did so on our one year anniversary. I also attached a picture of the ring I had taken Monday evening when I was playing around with my camera:


Everybody loved my ring. :-)

My relatively normal Saturday turned into the once-in-a-lifetime experience of engagement. Ben and I are engaged, and we're planning on getting married in August 2007 at Green St. UMC. Part of me is still stunned - something that Ben and I have talked about for so long is finally a reality. I really, honestly, have a ring on my finger! But I am also so excited that God has truly called the two of us to spend a lifetime in partnership with one another. I couldn't be more happy. :-)

Arrrrrrrgggg Mateys!

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. To see, or not to see?

[Warning, some spoilers ahead!]

I will freely admit, I was very excited to see this movie. I love the first one and thought that Johnny Depp's performance in it was brilliant. I didn't care much for Orlando Bloom (he's much better as an elf, in my humble opinion), and I thought Keira Knightly did a good job. It was funny, dramatic...and Johnny Depp really did make the movie a spectacular hit.

When compared to the first, which could have easily stood alone as it's own movie, the second one leaves a lot to be desired. Even taken by itself, it lacked both coherence and a convincing plot. Some scenes, like the one on the island where the natives thought Jack Sparrow was a god, were extraneous, and were only put in there to show off Johnny Depp's character (which wasn't well done, not because of the actor, but because of the unbelievably poor script writing).

Then there's the weird thing with Will Turner and his father that seemed kind of...lame. So Will's father is a slave on board Davy Jones' ship. And it tears Will up inside. Boohoo.

All in all, they really tried hard to make it overly melodramatic, which didn't really serve any useful purpose. Additionally, they threw in gimmicks from the last movie (Hello, poppit!) that didn't work well at all in this movie. They definitely tried to capitalize on the character of Jack Sparrow, and that failed miserably because (1) he was written as such a weak character in this movie, and (2) because of that, the other characters were as weak, if not weaker.

I fear a Matrix syndrome coming on: first one is great, second one was awful, and the third one is the worst of all. I'm undecided right now as to whether or not I'll actually shell out another $8 to see the last one when it comes out. If I do, it will only be after a lot of time reading reviews.

C'est chaud! The RevGalBlogPals Friday Five

1. What's the high temperature today where you are?

The high is projected to be 94. Currently, it is 88, but with the humidity, it feels like 95.

2. Favorite way(s) to beat the heat.

Ice cream! Other than that, I enjoy laying on my bed like a lump and watching TV, drinking lots and lots of water. My apartment doesn't have AC so....yeah.

3. "It's not the heat, it's the humidity." Evaluate this statement.

I think it's true. The humidity can turn an otherwise nice temperature (like 88) into a sweltering sauna (95).

4. Discuss one or more of the following: sauna, hot tub, sweat lodge, warm-stone massage.

Hot tubs are by far the best, especially in the winter. Hot tubs outside are the greatest...and the most fun is getting out of the hot tub, rolling around in the snow, then getting back in the hot tub again. If you've never tried it, you must give it a chance!

5. Hottest you've ever been in your life

I don't think I've ever encountered heat like this on a consistent basis ever before in my life. So...this summer for me!

Non-temperature related bonus: In your opinion... who's hot?

The honest truth? Patrick Stewart. Hands down!

Oooooohhhhmmmmm....

I did real, honest-to-goodness yoga this morning. Before today, I've had only minimal exposure to this discipline; as part of my chant class during my senior year of college, we did a couple of weeks of yoga while we studied Hindu chant. I enjoyed it back then, even though half the time I was redoing the poses because I would lose my balance. I remembered some of the poses, and the instructor this morning said I did really well. I'd really love to do this more because it's a great way to destress and get ready for the day. I think I'll start it once the school year starts, because more people are in the class (which makes the price each individual person has to pay go down).

I was actually surprised how relaxing it is, given the fact that one is contorted into all sorts of near-impossible positions. The one that gives me the most problems is Downward Facing Dog, which is unfortunate because it is used so often. Those hamstrings get pretty tight, and I definitely can't get my heals to stay flat on the floor. Heck, normally, it's tough for me to touch my toes, I'm that unflexible. Something to work toward, I suppose.

What's wrong with this picture?

I accompanied my roommate to Target today, and as we were cutting through the sleepweare/intimates section, I saw a young girl of no more than 12 with her mother. This girl pointed at this purple and black laced strapless bra with a matching thong and said, "Look at this! Isn't this cute?"

Is it just me, or is this just plain wrong?

The Goings-On at Home

I apologize for the long time between posts, but while I was home, there wasn't much time...and half the time, I couldn't connect to the internet with my computer. If it wasn't my computer, it was the network at home being weird. But since I'm back in New Jersey (even though if I move this laptop I don't know how long it will be before I can connect to the internet again), I have a more reliable connection.

Home was nice. :-) It was good to see my grandmother, though it was a bit difficult finding things to keep her occupied due to her limited mobility. She can still walk, but not very much, and she needs to use a cane when going most places. I drove her up to Colby so she could see where I and my brothers went/go to college, and on the way down we found this cross-stitch store that she absolutely fell in love with. Pheasant Run Needlecrafts. It's a great little store (click to view a web commercial), and I ended up purchasing (well, she bought them for me) two different patterns.

This, however, is what I am currently working on, and I expect that it will take me the better part of the year to finish it. I hope to get far along by the end of the summer, because once the school year starts, all bets are off.

She also taught me to make strawberry jam! We made 15 jars of it, from strawberries that my dad had picked. I took back 4 jars with me.

My other grandmother, who lives closer by, came over a couple of times, and it was the funniest thing to watch the two of them talk together. They're both hard of hearing, so they'd talk, and one would ask a question and the other would switch the subject because she didn't hear the question, or they'd cut each other off without knowing what they were doing. But then again, all they'd talk about were their medical problems and the prescriptions they were taking.

Anyhow, my grandmother said she had the best visit with us. So all in all, it was a success, and it was good to see her.

But now I am back, and I have a meeting with the PPRC tonight! I'm a bit nervous, but since I'm already going there, this is more for them to have the opportunity to meet me and get to know me a bit better, and start ironing out the details of my supervised ministry.

My computer stinks...

I apologize for the brief hiatus. My computer's internet connection has been a bit wacky of late. I have the cord connected to the port, and sometimes it wants to say it's there, and sometimes not....it's really strange.

Anywho, I'm leaving today for a week at home! Yay!

Well, after the meeting about supervised ministry, that is. I think I've finally come to a decision! Another yay!

RGBP Friday Five: Short things!

Short People: I hope my mother doesn't get offended here...but she's really not that short. She's the shortest in my immediate family (but then again, I'm next in line...and I'm 5' 6".) I remember thinking that it was such a big deal when I finally passed her in height, but when my siblings all did the same thing, I understood to some degree what she must have been feeling. :-P But I love my mom. She may be short in height, and I may be taller than her, but I will always look up to her.

Short Hops: What my tennis balls do before they hit the net. :-P Seriously, I just realized how short a walk it is to McCool's, one of the best ice cream places in Madison. I've already been there twice this summer, and already it's starting to become a temptation....they have the best blend-in frozen yogurt.

Short Stories: I'm not sure. I've never been much of a short story reader, but I know that my sister writes some really beautiful ones. There was a (short!) time in my life when I enjoyed writing short stories: mostly fanfics based off of Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. I even tried my hand at some other creative stories. From time to time, I've regretted giving up writing like that. I really enjoyed it, even if I wasn't very good.

Short Lists: The food in my refridgerator. It has bread, milk, cheese, meat, celery, and radishes. And eggs. Oh, and some caviar (from Christmas - thank goodness caviar doesn't go bad!)

Short Stops: I was going to make some baseball reference, but I won't do so. Short stops at the local used bookstores quickly turn into long ones if I'm not careful!

What are we teaching our young girls?

I don't know why, but this whole evening I've had the lyrics to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" running through my head.

I'll be the first to admit it: it's a fun song. It's catchy, upbeat, and (from what I understand) the favorite at karaoke. However, just think of what this song reveals about the hopes, dreams, and stereotypes of young women. The verse that really bothers me is the second one:

The phone rings in the middle of the night,
My father yells "What you gonna do with your life?"
Oh, daddy, dear, you know you're still number one,
But girls, they wanna have fu-un.

I remember first hearing this song (at least a version thereof) on Sesame Street, where young puppets danced around...having fun. Just plain ol' fun. Kids don't think anything of it. Having fun means playing outdoors, racing toy cars, playing with dolls or blocks. Nothing "sketchy" about it.

Fastforward a few years, and there's a drastic shift in meaning. "Fun" begins to be associated with the opposite sex. And this song reinforces this by equating "fun" with "staying out all night and being with boys." And, according to this song, this is all that girls really want.

This is a value that is screamed to young girls through the media culture. Especially MTV, with the dating shows that say, "Hi, I'm Rachel, I love shopping and talking on my phone and flirting with hot guys" as if there was nothing more to the female existence. It's portrayed through television commercials that show women all over guys with six-packs. It's in magazines that say, "10 Sizzling Tricks to Make Him Burn for You." Females aren't taught to want anything more out of life other than a guy that looks good.

Oh, wait. Yes they are. They're taught that motherhood is the other option. Or that if they're going to be a career woman, they have to be good-looking and wear sexy business suits. But really...girls don't want these things, as if they had no value at all. We just want to have fun. That's all we really want. To heck with careers or family or meaningful relationships. Women really don't want to be their own persons, to be beautiful on the inside, or to walk in the sunlight of independence. We don't care for learning new things or for bettering ourselves. After all, we just want to have fun.

And yet, something in this song touches women everywhere, some rather profoundly. It's a song with a terrible, awful, message. But I think it's true that we want to have fun. We want to be like those puppets on Sesame Street, innocently playing and...having fun. No pressures, no expectations, no...boys, at least of the sort that has only one thing on their minds. We want that freedom that seems to happen only in childhood. Where having fun is just that, and not some sort of double entendre.

The really difficult part of it is: we need to free ourselves.

And if two wasn't enough...

...I now have three options for supervised ministry. Yes, that's right. Three options.

The third one came rather unexpectedly after Ben's meeting with his pastor for supervised ministry. He'll be in Spotswood/Monroe Township; Spotswood is birthing a new church in Monroe Township and the pastor there is a big dreamer.

I would love to be a part of a new church start, especially where the pastor there is planning on badgering Adam Hamilton (the pastor of the largest UMC in the country, membership of 12,000) in hopes of becoming a satellite campus. The only problem is that...Ben is there.

For those of you new to my blog, Ben is my boyfriend. We've known each other since freshman year of college and will have been dating for a year as of August 1st. He also goes to Drew and just finished his first year as well. Ben is also more ministerially formed than I am; that is, he's had longer to live with his calling and more of a chance to participate in church life looking through the lens of his call.

I, on the other hand, have not had as much of an opportunity to do so. So if I were to look into this church, I'd want to make sure that (a) no one compares the two of us, and (b) I have a place free to do my own thing totally separate and apart from Ben. 100% apart. No stepping on each others' toes allowed!

This might be possible, though I think it would be touch to coordinate. There are aspects of church life that Ben's not touching (like youth), and he's going to be spending more time at the new church start rather than at the Spotswood church. I'm going to give the pastor a call to see what can happen.

All that being said, if Spotswood wasn't an option, I'm now leaning more towards Westwood. The urban/multicultural setting is something I can do my third year if I feel like that's a piece of my education that I really need. Right now, I think I need something a bit more well-rounded. I've already participated in many aspects of church life growing up, but haven't really had the chance to pull it all together in light of my call. Unfortunately, the dean in charge of this supervised ministry program is out of the office, and when she gets back I will be on my way to Maine, unless I can delay my return home for one more day so I can meet with her (which might be the smart thing to do).

Decisions, decisions...

Ok. After visiting Trenton, I think I'm more confused than I was before.

First of all, I got lost getting there due to faulty directions. I ended up stopping at a CVS to help orient myself and was told by an elderly gentleman, "Oh, you be careful there. That's a bad neighborhood." Driving through there I didn't think it was too bad. Not the type of place you want to get caught in after dark, but it was near the state building in a rather commercial area. St. Paul's is further up the street in a more residential area.

I arrived 23 minutes late, just in time to hear the sermon. I was very thankful that I wasn't there in any official capacity; I think I would die of embarassment otherwise. The people there were nice, and during the passing of the peace the pastor came up to me and asked if I would mind being introduced. I told him to go ahead, and he mentioned that I was there checking them out. After the service, I had the opportunity to talk to a few people. From what I understand, there were many families that were away that week, but there was a new Liberian family in attendance. Apparently, there is a very strong Liberian presence in Trenton.

I didn't get to see much of that building, but I did get to see a bit of St. Paul's, which also hosts the offices for the district. After that, I went to the pastor's house for lunch and had the opportunity to talk with him and his wife.

If I went to Trenton, I would be the one to develop a children's ministry. Rev. Johnson talked about how there's a gang problem in Trenton, but not one that's so severe as to warrant a ministry targeting gangs. His idea, rather, is on prevention -- focusing on 8 - 11 or 12 year olds. I will admit, the opportunity to get really hands on in these churches is appealing. However, my biggest concern is the distance.

It takes an hour and twenty minutes to get from Trenton to Madison with minimal amounts of traffic. The seminarian who was there before warned me that it can take anywhere from an hour and fifteen to an hour and forty-five. Distance-wise, the trip is sixty miles one way. Two trips per week would be 240 miles and over 5 hours of driving. The idea is to be there for worship on Sunday (of course) but also have a full meeting of the team once per week.

My vision would be to really be able to get involved in the community I was placed in for supervised ministry, but I'm not sure how this is going to be possible if I have to travel so far. Westwood is almost as bad, but it's only 45 minutes away. Westwood has its advantages as well, like being a part of a growing congregation that has life and vitality.

I know that either place has its positive aspects and its drawbacks, and that either setting would be a great experience. Both seminarians who were there in these churches (ironically, they were married to each other) both had wonderful experiences and spoke very highly of the pastors they worked with. I think it's time for me to sit down and have a conversation with Dean Samuel.

More angst about Supervised Ministry

Today, I've decided to visit First UMC in Trenton, NJ in order to help my discernment process over where I want to do my supervised ministry next year. I visited Westwood a couple of weeks ago, and so now it's Trenton's turn. To be completely honest, I'm leaning more towards Trenton right now: about 85-90%.

Right now, I think a lot of my resistance is because I'm a bit frightened of stepping out of my comfort zone. Trenton is an urban area of about 70,000 people, which is actually only 6,000 more than the city of Portland, ME (not including the Greater Portland Area, which has about 230,000 people). There are five United Methodist Churches within the city itself, and all are on the decline. First UMC is actually part of a two-point charge with St. Paul's UMC which is just a short walk away. Both are near the State house, from what Rev. Johnson told me. It'll be a cross-cultural experience; the two populations are largely African-American, which is pretty cool. However, the pastor said that he feels like the two congregations are going to be better served in the future by a person of color as a pastor, and they'd also prefer a person of color to join the team. Ebenezer, another student from Drew, is going to be there as well for his supervised ministry -- he's from Africa (I think -- at least, he's originally from there) -- but I don't know how it's going to be working with another student from Drew. I don't think it'll be too bad though, because we'd be doing different things, and only coming together as a team for support during weekly meetings.

We'll see how this morning's worship service goes!

RevGalBlogPals Friday Five

1) Do you celebrate 4th of July (or some other holiday representing independence?)

Not really. At least, not this year. Usually, my family has a cookcout of sorts and we go into town to watch the fireworks over the bay.

2) When was the first time you felt independent, if ever?

Hrm. I'd have to say when I went off to college. That was my first time really away from home.

3) If you're hosting a cookout, what's on the grill?

Red hot dogs, of course! They must be a Maine thing, because no where else have I ever found them. Everyone from "away" has never heard about them. But - they're the best!

4) Strawberry Shortcake -- biscuit or sponge cake? Discuss.

Biscuit, hands down. There's no other way to do Strawberry Shortcake. The best is if you make them with the Bisquick mix...and you can smell them cooking....mmm...

5) Fireworks -- best and worst experience.

OK. Best experience: watching fireworks from a sailboat on Martha's Vineyard with a bunch of college friends. Worst: well, this doesn't really qualify, but I ended up having a little accident with some sparklers after watching the fireworks at my youth pastor's house. A spark jumped and lit about 100 of them on fire. After that incident, I was affectionately called "sparky." Although this happened quite a few years ago, I think there still might be a char mark on the sidewalk outside her house...

What I Learned in Church History I

The papers have been handed in. The classes have all (save one) been attended and noted to death. The final has been taken. This can only mean one thing:

Church History I is done!

With the completion of this class, my two-course Church History requirement is finished. After taking these two classes, I can really appreciate the value of taking a solid year of church history (even if we didn't really get into Global Christianity) before going into ministry.

(1) One of the many things that I have learned in this class that as much as people like to think it, there was no "Golden Age" of Christianity. New Testament touched on this too (I mean, all one has to do is read Acts and Paul's letters (esp. 1 Corinthians) to see all of the tensions in the early Church), but the message wasn't quite as clear there as it was in this class. We tend to forget that early Christianity was marked by a diversity of thought, practice, and understanding...without even going into notions of what people considered "heretical" at that time. We had the martyrs, who thought that Christianity was about being an authentic witness, and the only way to do that was by dying for your faith. We had the philosophers/apologists, who maintained that Christianity was the "true philosophy" (and it is from this branch that we get the foundations of what is considred heretical). We had ascetics: desert monks and others who valued purity as their understanding of the Christian faith. Then we have those who think Christianity is believing the right things -- ascribing to the "true" doctrines. And these doctrines keep evolving and changing - responding to the argument of the moment.

(2) We're never going to have it all right. In nearly 2000 years of Christian history, no one has ever had the complete picture of what the church should look like or how the Christian faith should be practiced. Dare I venture this: not even Jesus, because I doubt his intention was to construct an institution or to found a new religion, although I have no doubt that he alone had the right idea of what God desires for humans to do. In one way, the thought that we're never going to have the complete picture is rather humbling; the tensions that are going on right now are just a part of a longer ongoing struggle of humans working together to figure out just what the Good News of Jesus Christ actually is...or what it means. On the other hand, it's extremely frustrating, because we like to think that we've learned something in the 2000 years we've been at it. I think we have learned something from history -- we just haven't learned enough.

For me, I'm comfortable with the thought that we're never going to have it all right. I like Nietzsche's view of truth (he was not a relativist!!!): Truth is like a huge sphere...like the earth. Looking at it, we can only see one small part of it. Others see different parts. Some see parts of it that overlap with ours. Some see parts that are completely contradictory -- but it's all part of the same Truth. I also like the idea that Truth is a being to be related with. Different people will have different interactions with that Truth, but it's all a part of the same whole.

But I digress. Back to Church History.

(3) It brought to mind some of the theological explanations for certain practices that I had never fully realized before. The example that immediately jumped to mind is: icons. There is a difference between veneration and adoration. Adoration is reserved for God while veneration of the representational image points one in the direction of the God who alone deserves to be worshipped. Thinking about that is pretty neat, and I personally would love to see more icons used in worship services.

(4) The readings. The early Christians had a lot to say, and some of their more devotional writings are absolutely beautiful. I think the church today has forgotten about a lot of these figures. Hildegard of Bingen is one such example of this, as well as Augustine. They seemed a lot more free to express their devotion to God in their writings, breaking out at certain points into spontaneous praise. Some of their work I would love to incorporate into my own devotional time.

In short, I loved this course, even if it did cover 1000 years of history in 6 weeks. It was a whirlwind tour, but a fascinating one. I hope I never forget these lessons I've learned...even if I do forget about the Visagoths and the Byzantines and the Donation of Constantine.

Logan Airport

I survived driving it. In the rain.

Ben and I were supposed to pick somebody up during Annual Conference, so we missed half of the ordination service in order to do this. I had to circle twice, but I finally managed to navigate my way around.

The problem wasn't getting there. It was coming back. Mapquest had directions like "head towards I-90 and 1A. Normally, this would be fine. Except for the fact that I-90 goes West...and 1A goes East. Oops. I know I-90 would take us back to I-95 eventually, and from there I could get back to Annual Conference. But it was a bit touch and go there for a moment.

The Second Virgin Birth of Christ?

Somebody over at the Christianity community at livejournal posted this link:

Insurers have withdrawn the cover on their virginity taken out by three sisters in the event of the second coming of Christ.

So I read the article, not really believing what I was reading. It made me think about the second coming of Christ...or even if Jesus is supposed to return at all. If he is to come back, I don't think he'd appear in the form of a child anyway. I think he'd just appear and whip us all into shape, because if he were to come back today, he'd have a lot of work ahead of him.

I wonder what Jesus would say directly to us in our own American context. In the gospels, he was speaking to that particular situation, cultural context, heritage, etc. Times have drastically changed since then. Would he focus on how we treat each other? How we abuse the earth? Our idolatry? Our insatiable consumerism? Our stubborn individualism?

What would there be to praise? Not much, I gather...

Where have all the young ones gone?

GEN-X RISING: Decline in young leadership threatens Methodism's future.

I wonder if the decline in young people being interested in the pastorate in the UMC is because we've done a rather lousy job as a denomination in terms of supporting our youth and young adults. Many congregations don't affirm the leadership skills of the youth in their congregations, ascribing to the theory that youth should be "seen and not heard." Youth are reduced to "tokens," thrust forward as an example of "See! We have a youth program -- here's a youth right now!"

If the church has botched reaching the young people of my generation, think of how they are failing the youth now. Nothing has really changed in terms of the denomination's approach to young people. Granted, things may vary from Conference to Conference, but New England has done a miserable job in cultivating an atmosphere where youth are valued and upheld as the present reality of our church. There are individual churches who do well at this, however...but they are few and far between. In general, youth are glaringly absent from the life of a congregation. It seems to me that the link between this absence of support and the low numbers of young clergy is fairly obvious.

QUICK EDIT: I would love it if there was some sort of network for young clergy/young UM seminarians planning on ordination. I believe there is a seminarians one among the 13 UM seminaries, but I have no idea who Drew's contact is. Hmph. The website is www.yasn.org.

Hildegard of Bingen

I was reading a bit of Hildegard of Bingen's visions for Church History class, and one of them in particular struck me. She used the analogy of a baby for Christians. If a baby doesn't receive the proper nourishment from it's mother, it will die. So if one who is baptized doesn't receive the constant nurturing of his or her mother "the Church," the soul will die. The Church is necessary to one's life as a Christian. It reminded me of the fact that all too often, worship attendance is not a requirement for Church membership, and that's really sad. We're so ready to puff up our numbers, but not to actually nurture them into discipleship.

This analogy also made me about Paul's letter to the church in Corinth, where in chapter 3 he writes, "And so, brothers and sisters, I could not speak to you as spiritual people, but rather as people of the flesh, as infants in Christ. I fed you with milk, not solid food, for you were not ready for solid food. Even now you are still not ready, for you are still of the flesh. For as long as there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not of the flesh, and behaving according to human inclinations?" Or the author of Hebrews in chapter 5: "For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic elements of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food; for everyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is unskilled in the word of righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, for those whose faculties have been trained by practice to distinguish good from evil."

So -- at what point do we stop being "baby Christians?" According to these two scriptural accounts, I fear that there are all too few "mature Christians" and far too many infants running around, thinking they know what is right and true. Christian behavior is often very comparable to that of children: not sharing, intent on getting his or her own way, throwing temper tantrums, not looking before they leap, sometimes wanting to free themselves of parental influence, etc...

When do we grow up?

Cynicism and the NEUMC

I've discovered this past Conference that it really does me no good to be cynical about the motivations of the New England Conference.

First of all, I trust Bishop Weaver and I trust his plan for the Conference. It's not one motivated out of any political agenda, but out of his love of God and his deep desire to see growth in the UMC. He is so grounded in God.

By extension, and because of people I know on the Cabinet, I trust the Cabinet and the decisions they make. Bishop Weaver seems to be intentionally appointing people who are going to hold clergy accountable to doing effective ministry, and I really like that idea. Granted, I may not like some of their decisions in terms of where different pastors get appointed, but I need to trust that they are doing what they feel is best, and that they are doing so from a spiritual point.

I really feel like things are at a tipping point, and are beginning to turn around in New England. There's still a lot of hurt feelings and mistrust because of the merger between Conferences that happened more than 10 years ago, and things don't quite "work" yet, but we're getting there.

My biggest point of frustration and cynicism comes from the youth program, and here is where I am really struggling. Every time a Conference-wide youth program has been offered, it has failed...rather miserably, in fact. The one time when we had a Conference Youth Coordinator, he was essentially set up to fail in that position, and I strongly believe that. So I personally can't get over that feeling of "the Conference hates youth"...because it really doesn't. However, the program they currently have grates on my nerves every time I think about it, because (a) I don't think it's going to work and (b) I feel it negates everything that CCYM has previously worked to acheive. I will admit that I have a very deep, personal interest in the future of youth ministry in the Conference, so naturally I'm biased toward the structure with which I am familiar.

So this is a current struggle of mine. I figure it's best to wrestle with it now, seeing as in a few years I will be a part of that institution.

First thoughts about conference...

Ok.

My first two points are related to each other. Lately, I've felt that while all these sorts of issues are important (homosexuality, the war, our borders with Mexico, etc...), they really serve to distract our attention away from the more important things: growing our church. Making disciples of Christ.

I attended a workshop by Curtis Brown, New England's director of Congregational Development. The "learning center" wasn't that fruitful (my small group wasn't terribly productive), but he made a presentation on Natural Church Development, which I thought was amazing...as well as mind-blowingly simple. All it really takes is a commitment to critique yourself (as a church) and work on your weaknessess.

Too many of our churches are stuck in the 1950's, not realizing that we can't simply open our doors and expect throngs of people to come streaming through. We expect people to come to them, when in reality, we should be going out to the community. We should be actively figuring out what the needs are in the area around us and determine how best to serve those needs. Making people feel valued and wanted is the first step to getting them into the church and helping them along the path of discipleship. If you can't get them in the door, then this isn't going to happen. This isn't rocket-science.

I really feel like if people were committed to doing actual ministry, a lot of these other symptomatic issues (arguments over homosexuality and the like) would not go away, but I feel like the arguments would be more spiritually and ministerially framed. We'd be debating about these things more from experience rather than from our theological ideologies. And while I do believe that there is experience that factors into arguments on either side, it's largely about theology and not about ministry.

Annual Conference

There isn't much to say about it at this point, as I am at the brink of exhaustion, but I will say that I have several thoughts about what went on this year, and I will be posting about them shortly. Things that I will hopefully include:

1. Congregational Growth is Key
2. We won't be able to fight about homosexuality in the church (and other such pressing issues) in the coming years if there isn't a church around.
3. A vow to purge myself of the remaining cynisim I have buried inside of me somewhere about the New England Conference
4. The horrendous worship (particularly the ordination service)
5. The adventure of navigating Logan Airport
6. The disappointing Drew presence
7. Why not to write a sermon during Conference.
8. I'm sure I'll think of something else...

I hope to do this in a couple of installments (as several of these overlap to a certain extent). Conference really was a mixed bag this year, and felt off kilter from many Annual Conferences I've attended (including the bad ones). For now, I am running on fumes.

Supervised Ministry Placement

Today, I'm meeting with Rev. Jack Johnson about the possibility of a supervised ministry placement in Trenton, NJ. It's a two-point charge: First Church and St. Paul's. I was going to drive down there, but my car broke down, so the pastor is graciously coming up to Drew to meet with me.

This is my second meeting; the first was with Rev. Tom Korkuch of Westwood UMC. It's pretty much the opposite of what I might get in Trenton. Right now, I'm leaning there, though I'm not really sure. I'm trying to pick the placement that will afford me the right preparation for work in New England.

Seeing as there aren't a lot of urban churches, part of me thinks it would be great to get that experience. On the other hand, it might not be that practical.

Ideally, I wanted a church setting that was actively using principles of congregational development, since that's something I'm not going to get in my seminary education at Drew. At least, I want a church that is growing. From what I understand, Westwood is growing, but I'm not sure about Trenton. I know Trenton has limited resources (like so many of our churches in New England!), but they're doing a lot of outreach (something New England churches desperately need to do!).

Let's see what becomes of my conversation today...

Christian Music

I just had a thought while at work (slow day in the admissions office...and I didn't bring my sermon with me to work on, nor any of my reading because I thought I'd be swamped...grrr....). The radio was on in the office and I started thinking about how the vast majority of Christians I know here at Drew don't listen to Christian music -- they listen to secular music. I wondered why exactly that is, and I had a thought that I think might explain at least part of it.

Most Christian music spouts a very particular brand of theology, i.e., not mainline Protestant. Most Christian music lies firmly in the evangelical sphere, and there are very few bands that address God with a more mainline Protestant framework in mind. Jars of Clay is one of the few bands that come to mind. But most groups are content to use contrite, cliche lyrics when speaking about God rather than talk about human experience. And when the human experience is addressed, it, too, comes off as lyrically boring and musically uninteresting.

Secular music, on the other hand, deals pretty exclusively with the human experience, and tends to do so in a way that has more musical integrity. There have been times when I've been home when I switched off WMSJ because of the music in search of something more interesting.

So I wonder what would happen if there were more Christian artists grounded in human reality? Or...more Christian artists geared specifically toward Mainline Protestant theology? One that isn't so "oh, you saved me God from the fiery pits of hell, and now I'm so happy, I could dance and sing and laugh forever and ever"? There's a place for that type of expression in Christian music, certainly. I simply don't want a steady diet of it.

"Orthodoxy" and "Heresy"

Part of last night's Church History lecture was on constructions of "orthodoxy" and "heresy" in the early Church. I found myself getting a bit frustrated at some points, as the Gnostics were portrayed in a rather favorable light at times, and people like Irenaeus were portrayed as deceptive and slight hypocrites because he came up with a new, innovative system for determining what is "right" and what is "wrong."

I fully understand that there was no "Golden Age" in church history, where everybody got along, agreed with each other, and there were no disputes about anything. The diverse perspectives in the New Testament clearly refutes this, and there is loads of conflict: between Jews and Gentiles, between people who claimed to be baptized by Peter vs. those baptized by Apollos in 1st Corinthians. No group ever got it all right.

But at the same time, there's something to be said for the creation of boundaries. In my opinion, Gnostics clearly were outside of the Christian faith, no matter how much they called themselves "Christian." So what if they were "new" and "innovative" and "diverse"? Just because it was such doesn't mean that the philosophy itself was in any way good. The claim that Jesus didn't come in the flesh or that the God of the Hebrew Scriptures was not the God of the New Testament seems completely against what the scriptures teach.

Oh. Wait. I forgot -- the creation of the Christian canon was an attempt to exclude differing opinions and was completely a socio-political move for those who were in the "right" to solidify their power. How could I have missed that???

I think we need to remember that these people had very good reasons for including what they did in the Bible. Apostolic succession isn't a bad theory, and I think it works rather well. I mean, doesn't it make sense that those who were closest to Jesus probably knew better what they were talking about than people like Marcion or Valentinus who just made everything up on their own?

At the same time, perhaps somewhat paradoxically, I love belonging to a church without a creed. There is a way in which theological diversity makes for greater richness in the sharing of ideas. Additionally, there is the freedom to accept what you wish and disregard something you happen to disagree with. I would add, however, you at least have to listen to what other people are saying. But there are still some boundaries; United Methodism does hold to some general principles. "United Methodists profess the historic Christian faith in God, incarnate in Jesus Christ for our salvation and ever at work in human history in the Holy Spirit." (From www.umc.org.)

Today this "orthodox"/"heresy" debate gets disguised as the "conservative"/"liberal" in which each "side" claims to have the unique truth and the other gets denounced as blasphemous and heretical. While on the one hand, I wish that some middle ground could be reached (since I think that's where the majority of Christians live), on the other, I realize that I'm just imposing my own view on what I think is "right" and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

Truth is out there. We will just never know it fully. Why can't we all just leave it at that?

New resolution...

Hmmm. No one seems to ever read this blog. Then again, I haven't updated it in several months.

Anyway, I'm hoping that this will become my place for more...theological/other sorts of musings. My livejournal seems to have become more a platform for day-to-day activities.

So, I promise to update this side more frequently. If I follow up on that promise remains to be seen...