One Year Later

It's been a year since we've moved in and almost a full year into this next season of life where we've added our third child to the mix, I've gotten ordained, and where I'm still figuring out the “what's next?’ part when it comes to life on this land (well, I’ve figured out where the apple trees will go in the spring and we’ve got the chickens and I've signed up for a permaculture class in the summer. 😂) I spent the first part of the year getting ready for Emeline to arrive and this second part of the year has been about reorienting our lives as a family of five.

While there was a pretty clear delineation around this transition for me (I was working and now am not, at least in the remunerative sense), this still feels much like a liminal time, where what has been is done and what will be is not yet. A huge factor in this, of course, is being down the kid hole yet again, walking once more into the labyrinth of sleepless nights and constant vigilance and naps and feeding after having just found my way out of that labyrinth in a stable routine with two kids. It’s also meant more hands-on parenting time, which was a large part of me stepping down, and it is good work but hard work and far too often I focus on my deficits and where I’m failing rather than what is joyous and going well. Having three young kids is all-consuming, so it's fairly straightforward to say that this right in front of me is the work I need to be paying attention to and that whatever will be will emerge whenever it's time.

There's still a lot I'm letting go of and a lot I'm learning. I joke that the symbols of my ordination should have been an apron and some work gloves (and maybe a diaper or two and clothing covered in spit up). I have to remind myself that the work of mothering (and at least attempting to keep the house in order) is sacred and holy, even if it is not work that receives the same kind of public attention (or affirmation or celebration) as congregational ministry. A friend recently commented that our house felt like the Weasley’s home from Harry Potter - the place of safe haven, warmth, and hospitality (and, of course, slightly chaotic). It is very akin to the vibe we’re going for. And while there are still parts of pastoring a church I miss deeply, you should all be glad I’m not preaching weekly, because you’d be treated to overly-caffeinated jumbled thoughts and a slightly vacant stare in the pulpit.

There’s much on my heart that I’m holding for a later season - issues like food justice, which I know I need to do more reading around, and creating community around eating together, which is doable even now though most days I’m scrambling to put dinner on the table that my kids will find palatable and that Ben and I will also enjoy. I also continue to think about faith formation with children - not in Sunday School settings per se, or even group settings where there is “teaching” and “instruction”, but more in helping families have conversations about life and faith in the home. Maybe something along the lines of offering spiritual direction for parents or children or…who knows what that might look like. 

But the phrase that continues to resonate with me is from Margaret Wheatley’s Who Do We Chose To Be - being an “island of sanity” as we look to what the future holds, and exercising leadership in that capacity (seeing clearly what is happening and acting wisely in the midst of it). Not a bad definition of ordination, to be honest. So a lot of the work right now also pertains to that practice and to cultivating this island of sanity on the island on which I live.

It has been a full year to be sure. Joy and grief, learning and unlearning. Holding on to what is real and tending to where there is life and energy. Practicing a contemplative stance. It's simple work, sometimes hard work, but always meaningful work. I love this house and what we are building here (or, perhaps, cooperating with what wants to be built here). I'm curious to see just what will take shape in the season ahead.