I do this kind of a post almost every year -- if not publishing it here, at least in my journals...or in my head. The annual debrief on how I experience the throes of a dying institution and my own sense of inner conflict about (1) my place, and (2) my purpose in connection to it.
I try not to be cynical, but inevitably about halfway through the proceedings I throw in the towel and sigh and realize that, yet again, things aren't going to change. In fact, it feels like things are devolving. It's not just about the heated level of debates on the floor but about what is (and isn't) said. What was missing for me this year was conversation about how resolutions connected to our mission - both as an Annual Conference and as disciples of Jesus (the latter being way more important, in my opinion).
The writing is on the wall. Death comes. It happens to organizations and institutions - it's painful and scary but new things can be born. Will our strategic plan stave off death? No. Will our statements about affirming marraige for all people regardless of orientation change the trajectory of our denomination? No, but at least we'll die being more inclusive and justice-oriented.
I think there's still some life left -- and a lot of life that will carry us through into the future and the unknown. I see life in local congregations that connect with their community; I see life in people who have been changed by their relationship to Christ through their church family, I see life in the stories of changed neighborhoods. I see life in faithful Christians who recognize that the ground has shifted and the way we embody Christ to the world has to change.
But the institution? It's time has come and gone. The language used, the style of worship, the way we structure ourselves -- it's based on this model of Christendom that has long since left the culture.
So what about me? I've decided that I don't care much about being a good pastor (in the way the conference would recognize it). I care more about being a good disciple of Jesus. Right now, the best way for me to live into that is by creating this new faith community as a "pastor" so I can disciple others to disciple others. Maybe one day the best way for me to be a good disciple of Jesus will be to have another job that will enable me to disciple others to disciple others. I care about God's kingdom being made real and tangible in my city and in the lives of those around me - whatever that looks like. I care about relationships with people and the ways Jesus is present whether I'm in the coffeeshop, the bar, or at a worship gathering.
Would affirmation from the institution be nice? Sure. I owe a lot to the Conference and to the people and congregations who have nutured me and shaped me. And a tiny part of me thinks it would be so great to jump down the rabbit hole of BOOM papers and CPE and become part of the club. Except the club doesn't really feel much like Jesus - as a whole. Lots of wonderful disciples who make up its ranks...but I think being a good disciple of Jesus is enough for me.